I want you to consider that it’s important to remember that the pain you feel regarding a loss does not have to be the “New Normal” in your life.
While working with grievers, I often hear them tell me now I must live in my “New Normal”. Translation: I must live with this unbearable pain. I must live with this broken heart. For the rest of my life, I will miss my loved one. I will never feel better.
I do know that some people get stuck in their grief. They either cannot find their way out or they choose to stay with this grief. I remember not wanting the pain to go away when Austin had died. I felt comforted by this pain. I became friends with it. I thought that this pain was the only way I could still feel Austin.
There are grievers who will remain bitter and angry. There are people that will cling to their grief and wear it as a badge of honor. They will forever identify themselves as “grievers”.
Recently, I worked with a woman whose husband had died suddenly, and she was told by a very dear friend that she needs to get accustomed to her broken heart.
She was told that she would never feel better. “Trust me this is your new life”.
However, I reassured her that it does, in fact, get better. There is a key difference between grievers who choose to take action to move beyond this pain and grievers who choose to stay where they are.
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We, the Grief Recovery Specialists, teach grievers that Time does not heal – it is what we do with the time we are given that can help us recover from the pain of our loss.
That is why I recommend Grief Recovery Support Groups, where people gather to share their stories and support each other. Together as a group they take appropriate action to move beyond the pain.
A client recently asked me, “will this pain ever go away?”. I was obliged to answer, “yes, it does” When Austin passed away, I felt that there was a knife was stuck in my heart. After completing my grief recovery action steps, it felt that the knife had been removed from my heart. The pain and the burning caused by the knife were a 100% gone. However, I do and will for the rest of my life miss that crazy, quirky little boy who I so dearly called “Parrain”. Life goes on, and I carry my love for him with me in my heart.
What does recovery look like?
Recovery from loss is achieved through a series of small and correct choices made by the griever.
Sadly, most of us have not been provided with the necessary information to make the correct choices in response to a loss.
⦁ Recovery means to feel better.
⦁ Recovery is finding a new meaning of living without the fear of getting hurt again.
⦁ Recovery is being able to enjoy fond memories without them turning painful
⦁ Recovery is acknowledging that it is perfectly alright to feel sad from time to time and to talk about those feelings no matter how others around you react.
⦁ The Grief Recovery Institute
We Grief Recovery Specialist teach steps that you must acquire to help you deal with a loss directly. Recovering from a significant emotional loss is not an easy task. Taking necessary action to recover will require your attention, open mindedness, willingness, and courage to move beyond the pain.
Here is what I know to be true. As a final thought, it is important to remember that the pain you feel regarding a loss does not necessarily have to be the “New Normal” in your life. Although you cannot and should not try to forget the past, you can, however, recover from this loss, and have a fulfilling and joyful life. You do not have to spend the rest of your life waiting to feel better.
The tools that you will need to recover are what I teach in my 8-week educational class at A Time to Grieve.
About Sharon Brubaker
Grief is individual and unique for every person. A person’s relationship to each aspect of their life is also unique. As such, the feelings and thoughts each person will have about the relationship that has been altered by death, divorce, or other reasons requires customized attention using proven skills and understanding.