“My mother just died and all I want to do is have sex.  Is this normal?”  These were the first words I heard over the phone after hello.

Is this a joke was the first thought that went thought my head?  I simply answered, “Yes, this is a completely normal response to loss.”

When you lose someone that you were connected with physically and emotionally, there is often this sudden urge to fill the void.  To feel something, anything at all.  There is so much grief sucks from our hearts, our minds and our emotions.  Many times, all of these losses get sucked out of us at once.

I have come across this feeling being described as “sexual mourning”.  This is certainly one of the aspects of the process of grieving that no one talks about.

To be clear, there is a difference between a sudden urge to have sex and the constant use of sex as a distraction to avoid the pain caused by the loss. The latter is referred to as “sexual addiction”, which is an avoidant behavior.  Both these phenomena represent taboo subjects in society in the discussion on grief.

One form of loss that many women struggle with the death of a partner is the loss of sex, intimacy, the loss of one’s lover and friend.  It is also common for us to feel like we will never want to have sex again.  Some feel the urge has deserted them altogether.  But we know that after working on your broken heart, when the time is right for you, you will know what your future holds.

One of the most common question we are asked is, “Is it too soon for me to have sex”?

So, here are some tips for you to help answer such concerns:

  1. Talk about this with someone you trust. We promise that hearing yourself say it out loud will help you find the answers to the questions you are struggling with.
  2. There is no time limit on when you can start having sex.
  3. Be careful to not use sex to avoid the pain of your loss. Your number one priority should be on healing your broken heart.
  4. Remember that by having sex, you are not betraying your deceased partner.
  5. Before embarking on a sexual encounter, make sure you know the answer to the question “Why”? Why am I doing this?  Who is this for?
  6. Love yourself. Allow room to grow and get to know your needs.